Happy New Year,
A lot has happened in the past
year, most of them realizations I've made; not things you can hold in
your hand, but nonetheless significant in terms of what I've managed to
accomplish. For one, I've discovered who I am. This may sound crazy--
fifty-five years old and finally understanding this basic truism, but...
Most everyone tends to identify themselves with their job-title, "I'm a doctor, I'm a janitor,"
and that's fine if that's all they aspire to be. If the purpose of
their lives-- the great driving force and motivation, was to become a
janitor? Okay. But I believe very few people, if they were honest with
themselves, sees their occupation as the great driving force of their
lives; their reason to be.
Take me, for instance.
I've been a cook, a dishwasher, an X-ray supply tech. I've worked on the
crew boats off the Texas and Louisiana coasts, I've strung cable for a
cable company in Arkansas, I've managed a restaurant, I've produced the
five, six, and ten o'clock news at a local station, I've worked on the
web, built advertising, edited and made commercials. I've managed to
squeeze in a lot of jobs in thirty-nine years, and yet, not a single one of them told the story of WHO I was at any given time. Who I am is a much larger story. It has taken the whole of my life tell. And it is not defined by any time-clock I've ever punched.
I am an Artist, broadly speaking, but more specifically, a writer, and a
poet. Whether or not I ever earn a living as a poet and writer is
irrelevant, because these are the driving forces that propel me forward.
They are my reasons to be. These are the gifts God has given me; my
talents. And I dare not bury them in the sand.
I believe that if everyone in the world were allowed and encouraged
to nurture and grow that seed of "Being" within them, this would be a
much calmer, more peaceful planet. Within everyone is a desire to
create. We can't but help desire the art of creation; this desire was
forged into every cell of our bodies from conception. This is the
closest we get to being like Him, in this life.
I wish you all the best in this coming year. I wish you peace, love, and a greater, deeper longing for the You God created you to be.
All my love
E
Unbound
I wish for kinder words
Not swords, not knives
I wish for softer speech and tone
And peace for our lives
A better dream of the future
Where every word nurtures
A greater hope for our lives
For where is hope in cruelty?
Where is love in pain?
Where is kindness in beheadings
Religion of peace? Madness, I say
Beatings and immolations
A culture of predations
'This will be yours,' they say
Our dreams are inviolate
Our children treasured
The lives we lose to complacency
Cannot be measured
There's more to lose that freedom
And nothing gained by whoredom
The sins of which can't be measured
An ephemeral line, compromise
In giving up ground
Our God insists we stand in the gap
'gainst their heresies unsound
To live or die matters not
It matters if we stood and fought
Their calls to prayer un-sounded
I wish, I hope for peace
I dream, I pray for love
I wish the world the peace of God
Every blessing in trove
No sure footing lies before us
But I've faith in Him who made us
Who holds the Light, and trove
Where this leads, I wish I knew
I wish this beast we'd already slew
But I hope this year we resolve anew
To bear His light on and through
Unafraid, unflinching
Unbound
ELAshley
010316.034307.6
Not swords, not knives
I wish for softer speech and tone
And peace for our lives
A better dream of the future
Where every word nurtures
A greater hope for our lives
For where is hope in cruelty?
Where is love in pain?
Where is kindness in beheadings
Religion of peace? Madness, I say
Beatings and immolations
A culture of predations
'This will be yours,' they say
Our dreams are inviolate
Our children treasured
The lives we lose to complacency
Cannot be measured
There's more to lose that freedom
And nothing gained by whoredom
The sins of which can't be measured
An ephemeral line, compromise
In giving up ground
Our God insists we stand in the gap
'gainst their heresies unsound
To live or die matters not
It matters if we stood and fought
Their calls to prayer un-sounded
I wish, I hope for peace
I dream, I pray for love
I wish the world the peace of God
Every blessing in trove
No sure footing lies before us
But I've faith in Him who made us
Who holds the Light, and trove
Where this leads, I wish I knew
I wish this beast we'd already slew
But I hope this year we resolve anew
To bear His light on and through
Unafraid, unflinching
Unbound
ELAshley
010316.034307.6
..::News::..
I've begun to work on an expansion of The Dance, I just never liked where it ended, nor how it ended-- quoting Kansas --and the more I thought about it, there's so much more to the "dance" of life; there are deeper currents, depths of oceans, and relationships. The poem itself is a part of my novel, The Gardens of Loveplay; it's Etienne's gift to Angelina just before Valentines day. It will develop over time in 5 stages/parts, encompassing two styles: the free-form style of the original, and alliterative.
I look forward to seeing where it all goes.
ELAshley
111715.114320.1
I look forward to seeing where it all goes.
ELAshley
111715.114320.1
Eulogy
My heart is a spark
On an ember softly dying
My love is a whim
A dream in the corner crying
It's eyes filled with weeping
Lines of kohl in sorrow streaming
My soul is bereft
That my sister lies here dreaming
Yet my hope is eternal
knowing she's in His presence singing
O, God of my salvation
For You, my heart's prostration
I will praise Thee
Praise Thee
And praise Thee ever more
ELAshley
121508.123809.1 - lines 1-7
030915.093816.6 - lines 8-15
On an ember softly dying
My love is a whim
A dream in the corner crying
It's eyes filled with weeping
Lines of kohl in sorrow streaming
My soul is bereft
That my sister lies here dreaming
Yet my hope is eternal
knowing she's in His presence singing
O, God of my salvation
For You, my heart's prostration
I will praise Thee
Praise Thee
And praise Thee ever more
ELAshley
121508.123809.1 - lines 1-7
030915.093816.6 - lines 8-15
Anonymities
What have you gained
With your bone strewn fields?
Yoricks upon Yoricks
Yet with none now to remember ~
Nameless reminders ~
Anonymities
They are gone
And more...
They are, quite simply
Forgotten
ELAshley
021498
With your bone strewn fields?
Yoricks upon Yoricks
Yet with none now to remember ~
Nameless reminders ~
Anonymities
They are gone
And more...
They are, quite simply
Forgotten
ELAshley
021498
In the Gardens of Loveplay -- The Sword Parallel
But what next Etienne?
how do you mean?
what next for us, Etienne... in the poem, what next? Is this where it ends? Is there no fulfillment for either of us? You promise to dance me, to make the world envious. but envious of what? You have danced me to the center of love, given me ambrosia to drink, but what next, Etienne.
I must admit, I did not expect this reaction. And truthfully, I never thought beyond reaching the opposite shore... the center
Men rarely do, she sighed
I hope you are smiling as you say this
No
What then can I do to make you smile, fair Angelina.
You call me 'fair' any yet you've never seen me. I could be ugly.
You're not
How can you know
Pia told me
Have you returned to your old lover then?
You know better...
Do I? You dance me beautifully to the center of your fantasy, and leave me unfulfilled with a glass of the best wine in Venice. What does Pia know of my beauty? To her I am whore! And yet it is she who has had you to bed, not I. When did you speak with her?
A week ago
A week. And you didn't think to mention this sooner? What did she say?
Are you jealous, Angelina?
Of course I am
But why? You have my heart...
Do I? You've only danced me to the center, but how far have you taken Pia? Give me what Pia has had, and more. Give it all to me. Every last dram of your heart and soul. We've been sitting in here all summer, all of autumn and winter and you've not once asked to see me. You want to dance me with words, undress me with innuendo and promise, but never do you step beyond innuendo, or offer more than promise. What good is a promise if it never holds you in it's arms? kisses you-- makes love to you? Answer me that, Etienne. You despise Pia, and yet you trust her word enough to believe her when she calls me beautiful, but you don't trust me enough to look into your eyes. What are you afraid I'll see? that you're not beautiful? Do you think me so shallow? I'm tired of this game, Etienne. I realize I set the rules, but I want it to end.
You write for me something truly beautiful, but you only take me halfway. I'm tired of halfway, Etienne. Take me home, or leave me altogether.
And with that she stood and he listened to her as she walked away.
----------------------------------------------
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Three, he said to himself.
Wide steps on three sides
Marbled and balustrated upwards
No. Don't write simply because she wants you to.
how do you mean?
what next for us, Etienne... in the poem, what next? Is this where it ends? Is there no fulfillment for either of us? You promise to dance me, to make the world envious. but envious of what? You have danced me to the center of love, given me ambrosia to drink, but what next, Etienne.
I must admit, I did not expect this reaction. And truthfully, I never thought beyond reaching the opposite shore... the center
Men rarely do, she sighed
I hope you are smiling as you say this
No
What then can I do to make you smile, fair Angelina.
You call me 'fair' any yet you've never seen me. I could be ugly.
You're not
How can you know
Pia told me
Have you returned to your old lover then?
You know better...
Do I? You dance me beautifully to the center of your fantasy, and leave me unfulfilled with a glass of the best wine in Venice. What does Pia know of my beauty? To her I am whore! And yet it is she who has had you to bed, not I. When did you speak with her?
A week ago
A week. And you didn't think to mention this sooner? What did she say?
Are you jealous, Angelina?
Of course I am
But why? You have my heart...
Do I? You've only danced me to the center, but how far have you taken Pia? Give me what Pia has had, and more. Give it all to me. Every last dram of your heart and soul. We've been sitting in here all summer, all of autumn and winter and you've not once asked to see me. You want to dance me with words, undress me with innuendo and promise, but never do you step beyond innuendo, or offer more than promise. What good is a promise if it never holds you in it's arms? kisses you-- makes love to you? Answer me that, Etienne. You despise Pia, and yet you trust her word enough to believe her when she calls me beautiful, but you don't trust me enough to look into your eyes. What are you afraid I'll see? that you're not beautiful? Do you think me so shallow? I'm tired of this game, Etienne. I realize I set the rules, but I want it to end.
You write for me something truly beautiful, but you only take me halfway. I'm tired of halfway, Etienne. Take me home, or leave me altogether.
And with that she stood and he listened to her as she walked away.
----------------------------------------------
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Three, he said to himself.
No. Don't write simply because she wants you to.
Not Another Minute (Without You)
Dear God
Where are you in my life?
Where am I? In the light?
Or deep in shadow? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
My heart is near to breaking
In the pains of my own making
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute without you
Dear God
Do you love me even still?
As when I was in your will?
Or was I ever? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
The emptiness is killing me
Like harps hung in the willow tree
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I won't last another moment without you
Touch me Lord
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
By the blood of your son,
Oh sweet Jesus, please be mine
Touch me Lord and let me know that I'm still loved
Wash me clean from all the sins I bear
Let me feel your presence everywhere
But especially, Lord, heal my soul
Dear God
Must I spend my lifetime weeping?
Pray my soul that you'll be keeping?
When my last breath is spent? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
I want to spend my whole life loving you
Free of guilt and shame ~ just loving you
Touch me now, or when it pleases you
Restore my soul, I beg of you
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute...
No, not another minute without you
ELAshley
030512.031842.6
A song... in the vein of ...Roland Orzibal's Mad World ...dark and despairing. Or perhaps not so dark... something along the lines of Twila Paris or Michael W. Smith? I'm still working out the melody.
Originally posted at E is for Everything. The post's title mirrors my own present deep anguish...
Where are you in my life?
Where am I? In the light?
Or deep in shadow? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
My heart is near to breaking
In the pains of my own making
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute without you
Dear God
Do you love me even still?
As when I was in your will?
Or was I ever? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
The emptiness is killing me
Like harps hung in the willow tree
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I won't last another moment without you
Touch me Lord
Fill me with your Holy Spirit
By the blood of your son,
Oh sweet Jesus, please be mine
Touch me Lord and let me know that I'm still loved
Wash me clean from all the sins I bear
Let me feel your presence everywhere
But especially, Lord, heal my soul
Dear God
Must I spend my lifetime weeping?
Pray my soul that you'll be keeping?
When my last breath is spent? tell me now, Oh Lord
God
I want to spend my whole life loving you
Free of guilt and shame ~ just loving you
Touch me now, or when it pleases you
Restore my soul, I beg of you
Touch me now, Oh Lord
I can't take another minute...
No, not another minute without you
ELAshley
030512.031842.6
A song... in the vein of ...Roland Orzibal's Mad World ...dark and despairing. Or perhaps not so dark... something along the lines of Twila Paris or Michael W. Smith? I'm still working out the melody.
Originally posted at E is for Everything. The post's title mirrors my own present deep anguish...
If ever I needed a song to sing...
Mountains, Hills, and Mounds of Earth
There were flowers strewn
O’er mountains, hills and mounds of dirt
Cov’ring over every hurt
Now gone. Cruelly hewn
And felt no more
Honeysuckle in the air
Sweet on winds run through your hair
As you lay lying there
To feel again no more
I cried a lover’s tears
O’er mountains, hills and mounds of earth
Counting all I thought it worth
Now gone. How it sears
This heart for evermore
Strains of birdsong in the air
Singing gaily and unaware
Of you, love, lying there
To feel again no more
Heaven weeps to know you’re gone
From my side, yet not for long
Each day will seem eternity
Until your face again I see
Sore despond I threw me down
O’er mountains, hills and mounds of clay
My every cry a dirg'ed lay
Swearing I would rather drown
That I might feel again no more
Honeysuckle in the air
Sweet on winds run through my hair
‘tis grief you see now standing there
a breath and cry away from where
You feel again no more
ELAshley
030212.104326.1
Revisions:
031212.013950.6
After the War, 2
My world is grown numb
My heart aches
For the war has gone long
My heart wants only to
Lay down its arms
But how can I give in
Without first seeing you
And knowing you will understand?
~I fear my heart has already given up
Would the sight of your lovely eyes
Would the feel of your honey hair
Would the taste of your lips
Or the feel of your arms about me
Be enough to draw me
Away from the brink?
My chest is heavy
My eyes bleeding orbs,
~Empty of tears
~My wounds un-healing
Will the warmth of your embrace
Will your soft beautiful voice...?
Will you...
Will you still love me?
Despite all I’ve done
In this long exhausting war?
I have been so long afield
I often wonder if you're there
Do you ken I yet live?
That I try to reach you?
Have they told you I surviv?
That I return to you?
Or do you visit my grave...
An empty box marked with a name
I still own?
~I fear to tell you what I've seen
Have you spoken to others
Who have been to the fire?
Who stood tall before our flag
~and huddled against the barrage?
Who cleared the bodies from the fields?
I am coming home
Please wait...
Please, please say you still love me,
That you want me
That you will comfort me and
Help me to heal
To Become once more
The man you once loved
I have dreamt of you~
While we tore away the debris
Carried away the bodies
I have walked a waking dream
Of cloud and dust
And could not have survived
Otherwise without you there
Please tell me you're still there
That you still love me
Still want me
For I think my heart would otherwise break
I would rather die here
On my way back to you
Than to find no love in your eyes
At the end of my road
Please say you still love
That you want me still
That you dream of me as well
Say you can give me these things
And I will be saved
My heart could then beat
With renewed strength of purpose
And I could live again
Live for you
Belong to you and no one else
Ever again
Please say I am still yours
That you are still mine
My love
My soul
My reason for living
ELAshley
September 12, 2001
Visualizing what has come,
Anticipating what is coming
My heart aches
For the war has gone long
My heart wants only to
Lay down its arms
But how can I give in
Without first seeing you
And knowing you will understand?
~I fear my heart has already given up
Would the sight of your lovely eyes
Would the feel of your honey hair
Would the taste of your lips
Or the feel of your arms about me
Be enough to draw me
Away from the brink?
My chest is heavy
My eyes bleeding orbs,
~Empty of tears
~My wounds un-healing
Will the warmth of your embrace
Will your soft beautiful voice...?
Will you...
Will you still love me?
Despite all I’ve done
In this long exhausting war?
I have been so long afield
I often wonder if you're there
Do you ken I yet live?
That I try to reach you?
Have they told you I surviv?
That I return to you?
Or do you visit my grave...
An empty box marked with a name
I still own?
~I fear to tell you what I've seen
Have you spoken to others
Who have been to the fire?
Who stood tall before our flag
~and huddled against the barrage?
Who cleared the bodies from the fields?
I am coming home
Please wait...
Please, please say you still love me,
That you want me
That you will comfort me and
Help me to heal
To Become once more
The man you once loved
I have dreamt of you~
While we tore away the debris
Carried away the bodies
I have walked a waking dream
Of cloud and dust
And could not have survived
Otherwise without you there
Please tell me you're still there
That you still love me
Still want me
For I think my heart would otherwise break
I would rather die here
On my way back to you
Than to find no love in your eyes
At the end of my road
Please say you still love
That you want me still
That you dream of me as well
Say you can give me these things
And I will be saved
My heart could then beat
With renewed strength of purpose
And I could live again
Live for you
Belong to you and no one else
Ever again
Please say I am still yours
That you are still mine
My love
My soul
My reason for living
ELAshley
September 12, 2001
Visualizing what has come,
Anticipating what is coming
July's Nuclear Dream
The sky was once blue
Now its a gray ashy hue
And its burned on the memories
Of everyone I knew
Gone are the abbeys
The parks and the bars
Gone all discussions
Of Venus and Mars
Everyone's gone
Or near enough, anyway
Time to start over
If I can just find a way
Did we really think heaven
Would forgive us this day
Or forgive us tomorrow
Have you nothing to say?
Silent as a tombstone
And dead as the sky
Who's now left to ponder
Our dream's dying sigh
Cause I can't find a reason
Or an answer just the same
Why I should stand here living
Amid the dead and the flame
Color me pessimistic
Color me a fool
Things could be better
Wading my feet in the pool
Where the bodies lie floating
Or to the bottom submerge
While the shrill keen of missiles
Sing their hideous dirge
I'm just hoping for something
Some substance I cannot see
Looking for the evidence
Of a greater faith in me
Only I can stop this
I could awaken from this dream
Beat my sword into a plowshare
Cast my fears into the stream
And let the waters carry them
To rivers and to seas
Give my life to understanding
to flowers and to bees
Show the world I love them
Not in word but in deed
For there is nothing in these weapons
We should ever want or need
ELAshley
071211.112535.1
Revisions:
032612.092530.1
Now its a gray ashy hue
And its burned on the memories
Of everyone I knew
Gone are the abbeys
The parks and the bars
Gone all discussions
Of Venus and Mars
Everyone's gone
Or near enough, anyway
Time to start over
If I can just find a way
Did we really think heaven
Would forgive us this day
Or forgive us tomorrow
Have you nothing to say?
Silent as a tombstone
And dead as the sky
Who's now left to ponder
Our dream's dying sigh
Cause I can't find a reason
Or an answer just the same
Why I should stand here living
Amid the dead and the flame
Color me pessimistic
Color me a fool
Things could be better
Wading my feet in the pool
Where the bodies lie floating
Or to the bottom submerge
While the shrill keen of missiles
Sing their hideous dirge
I'm just hoping for something
Some substance I cannot see
Looking for the evidence
Of a greater faith in me
Only I can stop this
I could awaken from this dream
Beat my sword into a plowshare
Cast my fears into the stream
And let the waters carry them
To rivers and to seas
Give my life to understanding
to flowers and to bees
Show the world I love them
Not in word but in deed
For there is nothing in these weapons
We should ever want or need
ELAshley
071211.112535.1
Revisions:
032612.092530.1
Another Song
Broken
Broken in two
The sky full of blue
Sun shining brightly
On the day I lost you
Heavy as a cloud in the sky
Light as the tears burning in my eye
I'm broken in two
Nothing left to do
But say goodbye
Broken in two
Thought you loved me too
Thought your heart yearned for me
The way I yearn for you
Every bird in its high high tree
Sings a dirge for the heart in me
Broken in two
Nothing left to do
But weep and cry
If my heart were an ocean
There'd be nothing you could do
Oceans can't be broken
They're not in love with you
And if I weren't so tangled
In all the pain you left behind
Perhaps I could forgive you
But you don't care either way, so...
Never mind
Broken in two
I'm broken, it's true
Tomorrow I'll forget you
Or in a year, maybe two
I could take some time to lick my wounds
Try to get my heart strings back in tune
But today I feel broken
With nothing left to do, but
Weep and cry
If my heart were an ocean
There'd be nothing you could do (to me)
Oceans can't be broken
They're not in love with you
And if I weren't so torn and tangled
In the pains you smugly left behind
Perhaps I could forgive you
But you won't care either way
So never mind
Tomorrow I'll forget you
Or in a year or maybe two
But today I'm still broken
Nothing more I can say but...
Goodbye
Goodbye
We were two
Now I'm one
Goodbye
ELAshley
062811.1048.6
Revisions
062911.090545.1
Broken in two
The sky full of blue
Sun shining brightly
On the day I lost you
Heavy as a cloud in the sky
Light as the tears burning in my eye
I'm broken in two
Nothing left to do
But say goodbye
Broken in two
Thought you loved me too
Thought your heart yearned for me
The way I yearn for you
Every bird in its high high tree
Sings a dirge for the heart in me
Broken in two
Nothing left to do
But weep and cry
If my heart were an ocean
There'd be nothing you could do
Oceans can't be broken
They're not in love with you
And if I weren't so tangled
In all the pain you left behind
Perhaps I could forgive you
But you don't care either way, so...
Never mind
Broken in two
I'm broken, it's true
Tomorrow I'll forget you
Or in a year, maybe two
I could take some time to lick my wounds
Try to get my heart strings back in tune
But today I feel broken
With nothing left to do, but
Weep and cry
If my heart were an ocean
There'd be nothing you could do (to me)
Oceans can't be broken
They're not in love with you
And if I weren't so torn and tangled
In the pains you smugly left behind
Perhaps I could forgive you
But you won't care either way
So never mind
Tomorrow I'll forget you
Or in a year or maybe two
But today I'm still broken
Nothing more I can say but...
Goodbye
Goodbye
We were two
Now I'm one
Goodbye
ELAshley
062811.1048.6
Revisions
062911.090545.1
An Affair Over Tea
Un Peu Poésie Légère
(A Little Light Poetry)
I came for the tea,
said I. And she
with eyes like kohl
in diamond lit dew
smiled. Whereas we,
'neath lush camellia tree,
sojourn singly, the soul
of this deep amber brew,
bids us sit. The bowl,
to its subtle brim,
where ripples swim
sings, 'drink deep of me.'
Our cups is empty
said I. Then she
lips blush like figs
bright softly wet,
On this lets agree...
I'll fill you, if you fill me;
my soft petals to your stout sprig!
Our engagement now set,
'forget the din,' * quoth she
Then plunging ladle deep and up
smoothly filled my empty cup
singing, 'Drink deep of me.'
I came for thy tea!
Spoke I. And she
cup shy to tongue
and a tilt to her gaze
Answer now, I challenge thee...
Lovest thou my heart more than tea?
For though we are yet young
wilt thou love me all my days?
Stay thy cup! Thy troth unsung!
'Neath stars, moon, sun, camellia bowers
pledge thou me thy love's endless hours?
Ne'er tiring to drink deeply of me?
Of thee, thy tea?
Asked I. And she
'Yes' in her eyes,
Come drink of me
of mine own heady brew!
You sing to me, and I'll to you
of our lives desires
'neath the circling sun!
And I smiled, filled with its fires
I would that our cups never empty
that your lips soft and chastely
ever desire to drink deep of me!
I came for the tea!
She said. And she,
a dapple of sun
on her soft silk brow,
smiled, I would drink thee
daily, nightly, bold and lightly
Oolong, White, Matcha, Pu'er
hot, cool or chill,
where'er you lay
And her lips kissed the brim of her porcelain cup
brow softly down, her eyes looking up
Come, drink only of me!
For an age of me!
Forever of me!
Come, my love, let's tea!
ELAshley
062411.044007.6
Revisions:
091211.105641.1
102011.125103.6 [including last two stanzas]
020316.030827.6
-----
* "Tea is drunk to forget the din of the world."
--T'ien Yiheng
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